I'm sitting here in my room with some hot black tea enjoying my new chair (which is gorgeous and deserves a post all its own about whether or not to reupholster it) in one of those perfect, thinky, pensive, rainy day moods. I just got home from visiting my best friend in Grand Rapids and also canceling the photoshoot we planned cause of headaches and since then my brain has just been on full speed. So how about i just talk your ears off (type your eyes off...?) about the random crap i think about! Cool? K good!
The thing that's been bothering me a lot lately is the thought of being too hard on myself. Not even that i AM in fact too hard on myself but that maybe, just maybe, i'ts what's keeping me on track. Ya know?
Yeah i'm overcritical of myself. I pick apart things like my music, my product, the way i talk, my outward disposition, my website, etc etc... I'm not condoning criticizing yourself to the point of insecurity. But in the world we live in my standards and plans for the way i behave and what i plan not to do would probably be deemed "being too hard on myself" by other people. Or not being open-minded. But if i look at the way someone acts or speaks or expresses themselves and think "i don't want to be/act/do that" and i keep myself working towards that goal, that's not being hard on myself, it's being deliberate. And deliberateness is not a bad thing. It's just hard to accomplish and rare.
There are a lot of choices, lifestyle and straight up mistakes people make that they didn't plan to make. I know that. But that also means that they most likely didn't plan NOT to. I know what i want to become as person, or rather i want to become a certain feeling or role in other people's lives. But the only way to become what i want to be and not settle for something by getting distracted along the way is to determine in my heart what i don't want to do. The consequence of this is yes, i will feel loads of guilt when i do something that doesn't fit my own requirements. Learning from your mistakes is a really big part of life that guilt really helps with though. So, hard as it is, that's the road i'd rather take, than to get to the end of the road and realize i took a few detours in the wrong direction and landed at a different destination. Cause that would suck.
To sum up this little ramble of a post, i don't wanna stop being too hard on myself. It keeps me on course. What i want to stop doing is over-criticizing myself. I also want to make a point to recognize guilt as something to learn from and grow from there. Working hard is admirable! Keep fighting for character and dreams!
p.s. I could be totally wrong about this. What do you think?